Unholy, Dirty and Beautiful...

DON"T BOTHER TO READ THIS AIR OR ANNE...OR ANYONE WHO VALUES THEIR SANITY

Reason why thing are written down is because I didn't want to say most of these things outloud. Why, just because they might be things I may not have actually wanted to say it to the person's face and I might regret it. So I think its safer to at least remeber the thought of it then actually going out and saying everything that comes to my mind.

^^^^There's me looking lost and confused

But back to what I was saying. According to Kat's I'm dense. And my logic is apparently way off accorin to everyone else. So I don't know. I'm not even quites sure what the hell I'm talking about. Well I know for sure I'm gonna be complaining about the IM I was just having.

So apparently I'm the emo one ....."acting depressed 24/7/" ....I'm not depressed, I'm not acting, I'm just so FUCKING confused on what the hell I'm doing here in life right now. I just seem to be wasting time, but not even efficiently. All I do nowadays is sleep, write, blog, go to school and work, and occasionally eat. I'm not even quite sure why I havent bothered to just do something for myself. I'm just so tired and drained. Sleeping is like my main profession right now.

I had a whole shitload of stuff to get done today and I only did one....my math work. What is the point of taking math. Ohmigod....maybe I should die. May make a few ppl happy. Sheila for one would be at the top of the happy list, from what I'm hearing at school. At least from my death one person would be happy, ok maybe a few (sorry, I tried to make mysellf feel better....actually no I don't even try to do that anymore) . Gawd, you know what really sucks is having to go out every fucking day with a smile on and laugh like everyone else so no one will bug u about...hey waht's wrong?

And when I do feel like telling someone what's on my mind and all they all seem to be going through their own crisis, or flat out really just don't want to hear my ranting. I know that friends aren't there only to hear me bitch. So now the question comes "Does anyone know what the real purpose of having friends is for?" I sure fucking don't. They cant do anything to make you feel better. They seem better at making you feel worse then u already are or to add to my agitatedness. So in general right now they all seem pointless. The only reason I think friends are around is to make sure you're never lonely. But how about if I feel lonely even though I still have all my friends? I still feel like I'm alone. Maybe its because I really am alone.Maybe I should just get use to this alone feeling. So is there really any point for me to have friends, right now I believe not.

At some points its nice and all to be alone. I get to think, sleep, draw, and write. But my only trouble with being alone is that I think way tooo much, yes hard to believe. I try to take my mind off of thinking about certain things, but then I trail off onto randomdisty that always leads me to unwanted thoughts. Like you never really realize how much you hate yourself once you have to be alone for more then a half hour with yourself thinking. Its the worst thing in the world, but yet I do it everyday. You either revist the past or think deeply about the future. I think about all the things I have done wrong, what I could possibly do to make things go wrong, all the things I failed in life, all the things I'm positive that I will fail in life to do, and beyond. Like I think about things like this all the time that I don't even no why I even concern myself with such thoughts. I guess that I just want things to get better for myself one day....

Right now even talking to friends seem pointless, I still make an attempt to talk, but most of the time its about pointless shit, that now one will care about it 15mins. What's the point of wasting our breath on pointless shit? I think its just to fill the air with sound instead of silence. I wonder if ppl are afraid of silence. I use to be. But now I actually enjoy it and I enjoy passive sounds, just like my music in the backgound. But I guess ppl can't be serious all the time because it would get boring, maybe that's why we talk about pointless shit. and to probaly break uncomfortable silence....but if its uncomfortable why wouldn't someone just keep the silence, cuz wuldn't talking make it worse. Meh I don't know.

I wish I could get away from all of this...away from my house, my friends, my family, from durham, I dont know, maybe the province, possibly the country. Its just so much of a stress to be here. Just to be living right now is such a fucking stress. I don't know why some ppl might consider sucide, but I know why I would. My reasoning is not knowing why I'm here living any more. In a way of just stopped caring about anything and feel like I'm a robot just working because its what is expected of me. Like since grade six I have been considering why don't I just go die or why am I'm here. Grade Six!!! Till this very fucking day. I still havent answered my quetsion properly, I just use a subsitute answer of "Oh, maybe things will get better one day" And I'm still think I'm waiting for that. Well at leats waiitng for the second coming. I thats what always goes through my head when I think about killing myslef. One day it might get better, but I think I'm lying to myself....I really do. Why do I think things will be better one day...Is it only because I hope for it to be or is it because it really will. I think I hope for it to be but it won't and it will all come back to right now. Me in this chair asking myself why don't I just kill myslef. Then I'll invison myslef 10 years in the future asking myslef why didnt I just kill myself when things werent so out of hand. I don't know...that's just my thoughts runniong off with themselves.

Its been a long fucking day. I dont know whats wrong with me...I have been in the same chair almost all day doing nothing except mainly thinking. Thinking Thinking and Thinking.

You know the people who get on my fucking nerves are: ppl who constanly try and tell you things will be better when you older, Bible people, teachers (the old fucking geezer ones, ho try to explain life to you), guidence counsellors, life counsellors, anyone who messes with my thoughts and opinions....gaah....ohmigod, I'm gonna become like one of those ranging maniacs....ok so I already started to evolve into one. This life is so messed. My gawd if there is a god, he'll be getting a piece of my mind when I'm fucking dead. This life is fucking shit, I hate that people tell me that you'll never go through life alone. That's a plain fucking lie....you go through everything alone. There's no one ever around to share my achievments (the couple of them), my downfalls, heartaches, hate, joys, NOTHING! I go through that shit on my own, yeah there's like the one person to congrat you on whatever the hell it is and thats it from then on I'm alone. I think thats how the rest of my life will be...I don't know...I'm a mess. I guess it would have been better to have sometype of excuse for my ranting ie. I had to much to drink or I'm high or something like that, but no. I'm totally sober and look at the destruction that has come to my blog. Meh fuck this shit, I'm gonna go get a popsicle and take a nap.