What more can I say

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SO let's ignore the picture for now and lets talk about a serious (???) topic. Ok this is hard for me even though its just a computer and a computer screen and the internet and Air and occasionally other weridos. I don't know why but admitting any type of wrongness or confession or whatever is between the two, makes me nervous. I guess in a way I have to be "true" to myself and kind announce it to make myself better or to relieve the stress off myself. SO lets start this off. First of all let me say that, I have a little book in which I write down whatever I think and/or feel at any given moment, that I think is significant, so that gone help me write my little rant right now.....

Opening: What you think will be the result.

"That sentence can be taken in many ways. In my life in less then a year that quote has been truthful to ts meaning to me. It diverged me from what I thought was right to what end up being completely wrong not that I regret all that has happened in that year period, but I now refuse to be restricted be so-called "guidelines" in life."

(No, I'm not done)

1. It scares me how much still remains in my memory of the past. I wonder to myself will I ever grow as a person, properly if I remained so attached to unimportant past people and activities? I'm pretty sure I won't. SO far I think the whole part as growing as a person is to learn how to move on and forget about silly details of your past, because what's coming in the future will be what's important. Even if I do meet up with parts of my past in the future I'll be able to respect it/them for all they were worth back then without being a complete biotch.

2. I really don't think I feel anymore hatred or anger against people, who I "believed" hurt me. Maybe it was my own perspective on life and how I believed things should be, but I don't feel anything towards or against these indiviuals now. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my life and wish them all luck in their futures. I guess I have learned a few valuable lessons that I will take with me into the rest of my life, from them. Not gonna say what, but the lessons do exist.

3. I'm not sure what it was that kept me so attached. One moment I was happy, the next confused, the next was shy and so on. And believe me if you can make me act shy and quiet, u know that I'm basically afraid of what is right and wrong to say to you. I was always afraid of doing and saying the wrong things to you. I don't know why I wanted to be so perfect for you...I also may have been a bit "possessive" (closest word to what I was lookin for). Maybe I could even say that you might have been my first true "love"...... I don't know. All I know is that whatever I felt for you I was numbed by it, that's the truth. Then when you were gone I was totally sidetracked. I wasnt sure if I actually miss you or miss the idea of you. That's what probably helped to screw me up. I can honestly say thank you for making the past year and less (when u were here) of my life fscking awesome.

4. Two very true statements: (1) When you feeling way to happy, know that someting will go wrong and (2) Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong

5. Maybe blogging about my feelings aka hatered, death to, and my upsettedness was totally childish, but those are/were my true feelings, and they're not something I will ever apologize for. I dont care who told whom about what I said or how I acted to such and such, cuz I'm not apologizing for any of my actions. I'll explain myself, but never ever apologize. You'd just have to understand what I have been going through to understand most of what I have said and done.

Now I'm done. None of this stuff will be mentioned again unless something significant comes up (which won't happen)

*I realized at some points I was acting as if those ppl that I'm writing a basic confession to is right there when they really arent. I know they aren't reading this but it takes a load off for me, pretending they are*

Something more cheeri another
day