"Stop me from feeling..."

18010031
Originally uploaded by changpp.

"...kill myself bY holding my breathe, my suicidal dream, voices telling me what to do...Dreaming about my death"

No I'm in a perfectly upbeat mood, just love this song.So grunge and so 90's. Man I wish I was actually part of that era, well I was, but too young to remember anything.

I wish I could write songs. I can right little things about how I'm feeling but since I not currently playing an instrument, I cna't put it to music. And no I dont have Grage Band or Fruity Loops to subsitute a talent...ahh must be breaking my ear drums music is blasting on my headphones. Pssh.

Well I get to relive a bit of the grunge era by going to see Peral Jam. That's if my mom hasnt cancelled the tickets *cross fingers hope not*

Ahhh, I swear to god you can play Parapara to Kylie Minogue's song "I Believe In You" Yeah I switch songs, but as soon as I'm done I'm going back to Silverchair. I wonder if all their songs are this catchy? I'll buy their album later. Back to Kylie...

She has been diagonsed with breast cancer sad eh? Well lets hope she gets better, cause I want more music! Lol.

Hey and did you notice the picture...of course you did. Starbucks...mmm, my favouriute place to get coffee. Too bad everyone else doesnt like good coffee and is like lets go to Timmy's, well that's also becuase they dont have money to spend(on good coffee).

Okay back to Silverchair, I'm nowing looking for notation or tabs to this song. The one your probably still listening to in the background. Suicidal Dream.

Tired. I think its time to sleep. I have long day tommorrow. Hope I remeber everything. Ooo and guess what my presentations for the rollercoaster, even though done completly last minute, everything came together in the end. I'm so happy about it.
ANyways Night. Oooo and I'll tell u about the fire alarm tommorrow! :)

Ahhh Gotta Stop

Poster
Originally uploaded by Mandy No Good.

...stop blogging through Photobucket that is. jUST Because its screwing stuff over big time. Anyways thats not too important.

Not as important as the news I recieved today. Mr.L and Ms.Out are hosting a trip to Paris London and some other random place, I was so happy when I found out. I cant wait and Mr.L was like your gonna come Amandla, and I was like OF COURSE!

By the way the song you listening to, is called Suicidal Dream by Silverstien and its the live version. I love it so much, sounds so good and relaxing. Heading banging at the end is so much fun. Yes, yes I do enjoy headbanging.

ANyways was trying to watch my online cartoon, called Ninjai. But grr my connection did something totally fucked but oh well.

Tommorrow is the matnee show for Bon Jovi the school play. And then Thursday there's an evening show. Being Tech for both. Uh and I have to go to work tommorrow but not till after I do the commercial for Media Arts. Which is a jean/pants commercial, which I still have to do the write-up for.

Anyways gonna go start my homework....wait noooo I have just been interupted to go to 7-11. Okayy then

Suicidial Dreams-Silverchair

Love that song by Silverchair. If you havent heard, might want to consider downloading the ascoustic version. I pretty sure there's a normal version, meh I don't know. But its good, one day when I learn the fancy shit for the internet I'll do it. But I have no time for that now. Must continue to blog. *clears throat* SO far all night I've done homework and rocked (out). Its been enjoyable. What was I rocking to you ask? Well mainly to that emo-emo-music by Taking Back Sunday. Was gonna put in My Chemical Romance, but I had too much fun. Then I rocked to Yellowcard and Red Hot Chili Wilies (Peppers), lol, and then again back to Taking Back Sunday. Waay too much fun. In between rocking I worked on my ISU and some homework, okay not really, and tommorrow I have tech Crew, so I come home about 5:30-ish, agggh. Wat a pain, but at least its fun.

Oh and yesturday my mom took away my Debit AND Credit card!!!!Both!!!! So I dont know what to do. Her and my dad discussed how I'm s\pending money too widly and took my cards, I almost cried. And guess what I get allowence out of the fucking money I'm working hard to spend...pssh. You'd think that since I make the money I should be able to spend it any way I like but apparently this is not the case. Totally gay! *still rocking hard to yellowcard, which song "Way Away" and my head hurts now...ouch*

Ha you may think its emo but its not...okay I'm lying they're so emo, but I'm not....I think. Who cares and really actually fucking knows.

Back to random singing:

"I dont think i'll ever come back down....Tell me you want too....Why cant you just be happ-ppy....My best side is your worst impression....Cant you live without me and tension....." Was rocking hard as I wrote that, its Taking Back SUnday...dont remeber track number. But its off their last cd...so good. To bad I couldnt see them in concert. Night

Pussies...Blah

Okay so we all know what pussies are, but in my case pussies are people who decide, "Hey I want to make judgement on what the person does and how they go about things." Who the fuck are you to be juding me, that makes you just as bad or wait even worse, but thats just my opinion. If you want to leave a comment u've got to understand the following:

Yes this blog has been re-edited haahaa! And no not because it was intellegent it was just to good for you to see tahts all. Suckas!

You're are getting sleepy, very very sleepy

So get the FUCK up!!! ^-^ I'm in happy mode, even though I got interuppted like 4 times while trying to write this blog. With each time having me start all over again, but its all good. So now I'm just chillaxing, enjoyed 4-ish hours of t.v , and my doodling which I enjoyed doing earlier. Oh I also got to finish watching Ong-Bak. Ohmigod the Thai Boxing is waaaaaaay cool. I cant believe how amazingly cool it is. Well anyways myself and this girl Abby, we're both part of David Usher's forums and we're discussing why we join the forums and when we first heard of him.

This is my experience. Basically I heard of Moist like 7 years ago. And of David 5 years ago *gawd it seems so long ago* But when I realize that David kinda of sound like the vocal dude of Moist only finding out 3 years ago that he was the vocal dude in Moist. I found that to be a funny experience. And its not like I was able to esearch it or by the albums back then, so I never really bothered with it. Abby and I had a good laugh about that. We're also thinking about meeting up for the HAMILTON show for David Usher. I would love to meet her. Anyways I still want to go see him on Pride Week, downtown. So thats a couple of my goals in life.

ANother goal is to see my buddy Tom, from the dirty 'Shawa. He's always concerned if I'm doing okay or not. For some reason he's one of those ppl who can tell by ur voice or expression. Meh should go see him soon.

So yeah nothing to spectacular happened to day at school. Um besides physics class where, about 4 of us got to go down to the library and do "research", which we did do. ANd then after I went and played spoons with Weare and Tim and Dana, then randomly Arden joined in. It was a good game of spoons. But thinking of that game reminds me of when the Weares are gonna be gone.

They're moving to wherever Fleming College is. So that means no more Amanda with out an "L" and no more Stephanie...okay so Steph was leaving in the first place, but now it means I wont see here outside running about. *tear*

I dont know...meh anyways summer is springing up on us quickly which means it will soon be SUMMER...WOOT!!! And summer means more work, more play, more sleep. Yessssss. But this also means "GRADE 12" *SHOCK SHOCK* Yes I know, disturbing isnt it. Thinking about how a dumb girl like myself with a bit more then a year left of school will soon be unleashed onto human kind, in the "REAL WORLD"

Whatever it 20 to 3am. Sleep time

Summer Planning Done, Oh Yeah!!!

Ok so my list for summer things ot get done, is once again complete. Except this time its for 2005's summer. Yes, I begin my weekend with knocking some of these things off the list. I want to get at least 50% of my list cross off this year.

Random Moment: Where the FUCK are my headphones, I can't find the little piece of shit, damnit. OOO its at my mom's.

As I was saying, ohmigod this summer is gonna be a bitch lot better cause I have a job to pay for shit, and I can't be too lazy. I think the list is gonna keep growing. But I'm not gonna list anything much until the event happens. Like I think I'm gonna go to one of my resturants on the list called BANZAI!!! But I'm suppose to drag Kyle so I'll wait...maybe. It's sushi, so irresitable.

Sadly I'm sick as a bitch. And I keep forgetting to medicine...like Tynol....ahhh cant spell the bloddy word, fuck it.

Oh and guess where my beautiful little tulips are? On my proch! I decided to leave them there for maximum sunlight rays. Well during the day. I think I should put them in the house during the day.

Anyways back to summer, ahhh cant wait. Means more bathing suits, which means more sunglasses, which means, more sunlight, which means boys!!! Man those were horrible connections, fuck that.

So right now I'm in the process of getting cool summer music, have a bit. Not too much, its more Winter music. Defintion of winter music, is dark, gloomy, kill all music. Summer is like ooo I love everything, and shit. But whatever I kick starting my summer (even though its actually spring) with an asian moviethon and a nature walk, then a fetsival, shopping, then a play. Well thats the whole weekend not one day.

Anywho, guess whose's in town??? Guesss!!!!! PEARL JAM!!! Well on Spetmeber 19th, so still summer time, so its all good. I wanna go so bad, but I dont think I'm gonna be allowed to use my card to buy tickets, so I'm afraid. But I really wnat to go. I'll talk to ppl and my mom, need those tickets. Never hurts to try. I think phone would be faster then internet, but by the time they go on sale I'm already gone out. Oh well.

It would be cool if all the bands from the grudge era comes back to play a kick-ass concert. Man that would be so sweeeet! Marvins, Hole, Bush, Moist, so cool.

Almost done my my thrid set of pages fro yearbook. Finally did final touches on Eastern Europe and its off. And now working on grad page. Should be done tomorrow, then next week I'm doing something else. Next week is gonna be a bitch. I'm gonna wake up early today and get myself some fucking coffee. Tommorrow is a whole day of playing catch up.

Oh and I'm currently watching Ong-Bak. Kickass movie. And tommorrow Kyle begins my shopping spree at the anime con. He's gonna forget something, but thats okay. I wanna see what he comes out with. This should be interesting, but I do thank him for going through the trouble.

Please Note

AIR GET A LIFE. You dont like what your reading, here's a clue...STOP READING!

Yes Mr.Zheng!!!

Power to Mr. Zheng! Heh we were so off topic in Physics class that I remembered to ask him about China being communist. I told him what I thought was correct and what everyone else was telling me. And he said "No, basically you're correct" So China has a COMMUNIST GOVERNEMENT WHICH RUNS MORE LIKE DICTARTOSHIP, BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY PRACTISE IT!!!! Yes I'm proud of myslef, for reading enough to at least know that China isnt communist. Same way when ppl were telling me Poland was still commuinist, ha! People listen more or read more, before you decided to let your political opinions be heard...just a thought

Look me in the eye!

Ok with my face like that, who would look me in the eye?!?! Whatever , but I like the pics I took today. I'm taking a lot of myself on my own recently. Like if u fuck the picture up, you have you to blame. But with others there's gonna be an argument on who fucked it up. Anyways yeah I know I should be sleeping, as Kyle told me about a half hour ago, cause I have school in the morning, but I'm thinking of skipping, but to where? My dad loves Timmy's so that doesnt work, behind 7-11 maybe. I forgot that was one of my central skipping places. I shall revist it!!!! Meh! I dont know. Wonder if Baby Rose read my note. That was a semi-important-note. Whatever, so weekend is now planned. Just have to re-check with some ppl and cancel with other and re-create plans. Thinking about hanging with my brother on Sunday, I'll call him tommorrow about that after school and after yearbook and after vacuumming. He should be home by then.  I wanna drag him to see a play calle Poetic Liscense. ANd to do a few other things. Ooo and I emailed |"The Hour" to see if I can get tickets to be part of the live audience. That would be wickedly cool...good thing I decided to go eat some dinner. ANd lucky me I have been dubbed to eat all the banana flavoured popsciles, they are so effing good! *drool puddle* Um so basically if my brother is alreayd busy I'm gonna call up John and see if he wants to do anything, Sabine said "...."  Sabine says many things half the time is when she drunk and screaming at me. Ok so she's not drunk, but she might as well be, lol. My god we start off taking, which leads to an opinion match which leads to who can interupt who in a sentence. She usually wins. Well she basically said, he just shy, just invite him out and go on a date. I'm like ahhh I dont wanna plan it, then I feel controlling (which I am). She's like "Do u like him or not!!!!" "Agggh FINE!!" *thats me* SO basically me and John are gonna try this whole dating thing again. Lets see I work around his school schedule, I'll be suprise if I do. Um so yeah, sleep, night, snore, gobble gobble, later dudez.

ps. I totally bit R3.0's head off today, he was so confused, it was great

One Hoot Of A Day

Ohmigod, two parents of my ex-best friend, cam einto my store, tonite. I could have died (well that option is always opened). At first I was like hey I know that man, split second later I was like man I wish I didn't say hi, damnit! I stayed out of his path, well I dont know why I was scared of him. I should have been more afraid of the mother. Ohmigod she walked in after and I'm like "shit-son" gotta stay out of her path. I was like plz dont let the son and the daughter walk in too. You know what the fucking odds of a situation like this happening is...very fucking slim. Man that sucked. The scary half of it all was hte fact I dreamt and thought about how scary that would be if it happened...only a few days ago. Oh well.

Kyle was at work today, woot! But only till 7. Um Ronnie and Chris came to drop off their apps at my work. All u here is Ronnie hey I know her, from the entrance. It was funny and I know I'm gonna be asked questions when I go to school tommorrow, shit its already pass 12 again. Lets hope Jaira brings the movie today! *cross fingers* Um somehting else to do, but whatever.

Peoples Republic Of China

Okay so China IS NOT COMMUNIST...In your face Air and John. They're basically Repiblicans...Peoples Republic Of China. So there I know my politics and a bit about world politics! Haha...thats all I wnat to say. I'm hungary excuse me.

Oo and once again China is not Communist, anymore at least. Years ago yes, now hell no.

Spring Arts Festival

Me at Night
Originally uploaded by Mandy No Good.

Yadadadada...ok so the SAF, was great and all but here's the highlight of my evening...being ditched at the fucking school!!!! Fucking great, eh? Hmmm, the wonder and the effort of saying "sorry but amandla has a few things to take care of she'll be a few minutes more...." Difficult, no? So this is amandla walking down the street at 10 at night on her own...

So yes cool effects on the pic eh, but not the fucking point! Point was, well its up there. Do you know how fucking fustrarting that is? If you do great! If you don't, go get fucked!

ANyways got home ate and watched So Close. It's a good movie. Tommorrow I will be watching Ong Bak. AFter I come home from work. Cause I did absolutly no hmk today cuz of S.A.F and just because.

Well I'm got stuff to do like....SLEEP and more SLEEP, and then call John tommorrow. And find what I'm doing this weekend and plan my next Wonderland trip, w/o ppl.

Beauty Queen Of 16 and a half

Ok so I'm no beauty queen, but I guess pretending that I am once in a while can't hurt. Anyways I'm came to another one of my fucker-of-a-conclusions, wanna hear it....."I have realized that even though I'm totally stuck on one duder doesn't mean I should feel any guilt or weridness to any new and upcoming relationships. Like whenever the time comes to deal with my last relationship, then I'll deal with it then. For now, I should just try to live out my 16th year of existence."

So having that said, I plan to go on another date with John, some time next weekend probably, after fixing up my schedule and such. I also plan to figure out if Kyle likes me or not because that bothering me, not knowing that is. Was suppose to go to the con with him and his friends but I can't cuz I don't have a buddy so...I'm stuck in town. Not really. My plans for next weekend are basically set except for Sunday, for which I would like to go see a play downtown called Poetic Licensce.

Well anyways right now I'm just chillaxing to Maroon 5. Playing their normal album then gonna put in their acoustic. Both are pretty fscking awesome. Anyways my main goals for this week is to finally do my Physics labs and to find what summer program I'm taking and to finish that bloody proposal for the newspaper. Oh and that reminds me tomorrow is the Spring Art Festival and I have to sell tickerts at door and help Tech. Gonna be one stressful night. I was also suppose to pick up my contacts but I think I'm going to have to reschedule. Oooo and even better guess what I have back in my possession....MY CREDIT CARD.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Beauty Queen is right there, lol
I look so confused, I feel bad for me

#1 Failure

Yeah, guess wat I did today at work I fucked up. Everything was okay until Kyle left at 7:30pm. I such a fucking failure. I suck at school, work, frindships, boyfriends, family, and just life in general. I just fucking suck. Like I can't believe how much I screw up, unintenionally....its beyong normal amount. My god, life cant get any worse, but it always seems to like revisiting the worse of my life, I SWEAR to god that I have bad luck or one screwed life or god doesnt like or its just that I'm a failure. I think the last one workd pretty well. Like and when I start to think of all my failures then I think of "moops" and then I get all overly upset. Wat a fucking viscious cycle.

Fear In Your Eyes

More like fear in my sister eyes. Just a couple of minutes ago, I got up to use the phone, but my sister already had it and had just began to talk to her friend. So I decided to stalk her from one room to the next, and she got scared and told her friends she'll call back and gave me the phone! Ahhhh, the look on her face was priceless..she was scared, heehee. Anyways g2g to work, later

My Sassy Girl

Ohmigod that movie actually made me cry. That is the first movie ever to actually bring me to tears. I was like crying for 5 (ok a bit more) minutes. It was so halirious of a movie but when they got to the dramatic parts, it impacts you so well. Ah, such a cute movie. And I thank Jaira for lending it to me. Ha the girl was so abusive it was so funny then the mother was abusive, it was just halarious. I think I'm now the official international movie watcher....no probably not, but I love watching international films, because they so interesting. SOme ppl are like "eewww subtitles!" SOrry but I don't want to see a serious international film movie with Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan type of dubs, I rather read and hear the actual language. By the way My Sassy Girl was in Korean. Was amazing. If you ever get a chance watch it, unless u have an issue with subtitles, you just suck in general anyways. So Jaira is my official helper in getting some of my interantional movie watching done...mainly Asian half but its all good. ANd I have to help her find a few movies as well. While looking for a pick to put up here, I saw like 4 different cover for the dvd. And I dont know which to choose!!!
That's the cover I got

This is the one I saw when I heard about the movie

This one I just Think is cute

Okay so I also watched Shaolin Soccer which was awesome, I liked the effects. They did their best to make sur some of it looks natural, but I think I try to hard to see the effects so I saw most of them if not all. But it was a great movie I enjoyed it, but not as much as MSG.


And here's the movie I really wnat to see. A Moment To Remeber. Another Korean film, but dont say its a rip off of A Walk To Remeber cause how about if this storyboard was developed first and was never put into action? So screw you once again, watch then comment

It looks a sounds like a great movie

Anyways gonna go watch one more movie then to bed for me. Last movie for tonite is "Better Luck Tomorrow" And yes I did do some studying tonite for my Test tommorrow :P Night

So My Name Is Jonas

Um today.......yeah I finsh my countdown and my day was by technicalities sucky. Jaira lent me
"My Sassy Girl" its this awesome movie that's in sometype of Asian that I will watch tonite. Um the weekend was um crappy. Besides Wonderland that is...was trying to upload a picture but the computer hates me, so I'm putting another picture of us at the tracks. Got my laptop back yesturday, and I was incredibly happy. Um and that's it....Gonna go see if there are any popsicles left. Muahhahaha...

So aboot those Flying Donkeys

So ok, there are no flying donkeys and I'm one emotional person, but that's OKAY! Whatever screw you! So underneath this blog is two very unhappy and unpleasing post, so I suggest you skip over them. And no I won't delete them to make you life easier...u can use the bloody side bar to do that.


(^^^^This a picture of me being mad at my phone. Tis was in April at some point near the tracks)

So I went to work today and I finally met Cooky (Cookie). I was so happy to meet him, just because his name was Cookie. One day I'll get a picture of him, and no he's not hot. He's one of my managers. He's funny and he's a left like Air! Um, Ervan was at work today too, but I didn't get to talk or see him much, but I did get to through my apron at him and point and laugh. Yes, the typical behaviour of a 16 year old. What else did I do at work, meh nothing. I'm such a slacker.

Well on my break I called Kyle about the con. He's thinking of the option of staying at a hotel for the weekend, with a few others. So I told him to let me know if it goes through cause that would be an awesome thing to be a part of. I don't think Katy is up for it though, but imagine 10 (more or less) in a hotel for 2 nights. This is a bunch of 19 yr olds and then myself, should be fun.

Oh and I also started planning my summer events. Ohmigod I found a whole shitload of stuff to do. This was about two hours of research. But good thing I did on a full stomach of McD's. Yes faithful McD's. Well meh, all that junk food shit I have been eating has had a toll on my teeth. I'm going to the dentist for the 3rd time in a month period. 2 out of three times for fillings. And that's precisily what I'm doing tommorrow along with getting contacts. Yeah contacts...the only thing I'm dreading is when everyone one goes...."Ohmigod u look so different" and I'll be like "Not Shit Sherlock, and u look different with ur pants off" So okay maybe that didn't make too much sense, but what does?

Why do we torture ourselves?--April 11th from Air's Blog

Why Do We Torture Ourselves?

Too many lately have been talking to me about their problems,
wants, needs, etc and no doing what is obvious is in their hearts. (I'm not just
talking to you Mandy although you need to as well!) I won't name anymore names
but people need to give in to what they know they want and what they know they
should do. I used to want things soo bad but would always just decide not to go
for it, or would be afraid. I still do actually but not as much. Even something
as simple as asking a question in class that I needed the answer to I used to
not ask. I guess that has more to do with being shy but why suffer with your
hand down when you want to know something. I used to think that people would
think my question would be stupid or that I would be. I remember that changed in
grade 5 one day when no one would ask how my teacher got the answer to some math
question when it was obvious no one knew how the heck she had gotten the answer.
She said that "the person that asks a question is an idiot for a moment; the
person that never asks questions will be an idiot their whole lives" That
changed my outlook on the situation. Ok, so thats a really cheesy example
wanting something but still, if you want something, go for it. I think most of
us have found out that life is too short to spend time wanting something and not
trying to get it. Ok I don't mean liking a person and stalking them or wanting
money and stealing it. I mean by not being lazy and just forgetting about
something because it is too hard or too much effort, or even thinking that you
don't deserve it. If your dying for some chocolate but are watching your weight,
eat a reasonable amount and do something active you've been wanting to do like
dusting off your bike and finally going for a ride.The same goes for telling
someone how you really feel about them. Or keeping something from a friend that
your conscience is nagging you about. Why torture yourself? Tell them! I'm
pretty much being a hypocrite because I am so bad at telling people stuff but
I'm working on it and so should you! Finally getting the courage to say
something to someone can take a huge weight off your shoulders...like
apologizing or trying to set things right. I'm starting to ramble but I guess
I'm going to take my own advice and stop torturing myself. Those people that
have come to me with wanting something but not going for it should take the
advice to...(*you'll have fun - you know you will* *who cares what anyone else
thinks about him - its your choice* *a friendship isn't something that should be
disposable, so don't let it* *wondering isn't the same as knowing so just go for
it*) hopefully I was subtle enought but not too subtle for my friends to know
what I mean by those. Seriously, "never give up on the things that make you
smile".

My Response: Answer to why we (we = I) torture oursleves, is becuase we feel like nothing else can be done and that its last resort to just let whatever is inside us eat us alive. And I feel that if I try to do something to fix any of my issues that it will bite me back in my ass. And I've got to admit that it leaves quite a bad scarring. Also it really does suck always having to put the first foot out there into a situation, I just really don't wnat to be the one to start it up, I wish that the other person would just take a chance for once. Like if I knew for sure if the other person wanted what I wanted, there would be no seoncd thoughts. But that just adds to it, I'm afraid of rejection or of what could possibly be said or what could possibly happen. I'm afraid of those chances and that's why I "torture" myself. I'm scared shitless I what could possibly happen.

By the way don't read the post below if you want to keep ur sanity Air and Anne and anyone else who values their sanity

Unholy, Dirty and Beautiful...

DON"T BOTHER TO READ THIS AIR OR ANNE...OR ANYONE WHO VALUES THEIR SANITY

Reason why thing are written down is because I didn't want to say most of these things outloud. Why, just because they might be things I may not have actually wanted to say it to the person's face and I might regret it. So I think its safer to at least remeber the thought of it then actually going out and saying everything that comes to my mind.

^^^^There's me looking lost and confused

But back to what I was saying. According to Kat's I'm dense. And my logic is apparently way off accorin to everyone else. So I don't know. I'm not even quites sure what the hell I'm talking about. Well I know for sure I'm gonna be complaining about the IM I was just having.

So apparently I'm the emo one ....."acting depressed 24/7/" ....I'm not depressed, I'm not acting, I'm just so FUCKING confused on what the hell I'm doing here in life right now. I just seem to be wasting time, but not even efficiently. All I do nowadays is sleep, write, blog, go to school and work, and occasionally eat. I'm not even quite sure why I havent bothered to just do something for myself. I'm just so tired and drained. Sleeping is like my main profession right now.

I had a whole shitload of stuff to get done today and I only did one....my math work. What is the point of taking math. Ohmigod....maybe I should die. May make a few ppl happy. Sheila for one would be at the top of the happy list, from what I'm hearing at school. At least from my death one person would be happy, ok maybe a few (sorry, I tried to make mysellf feel better....actually no I don't even try to do that anymore) . Gawd, you know what really sucks is having to go out every fucking day with a smile on and laugh like everyone else so no one will bug u about...hey waht's wrong?

And when I do feel like telling someone what's on my mind and all they all seem to be going through their own crisis, or flat out really just don't want to hear my ranting. I know that friends aren't there only to hear me bitch. So now the question comes "Does anyone know what the real purpose of having friends is for?" I sure fucking don't. They cant do anything to make you feel better. They seem better at making you feel worse then u already are or to add to my agitatedness. So in general right now they all seem pointless. The only reason I think friends are around is to make sure you're never lonely. But how about if I feel lonely even though I still have all my friends? I still feel like I'm alone. Maybe its because I really am alone.Maybe I should just get use to this alone feeling. So is there really any point for me to have friends, right now I believe not.

At some points its nice and all to be alone. I get to think, sleep, draw, and write. But my only trouble with being alone is that I think way tooo much, yes hard to believe. I try to take my mind off of thinking about certain things, but then I trail off onto randomdisty that always leads me to unwanted thoughts. Like you never really realize how much you hate yourself once you have to be alone for more then a half hour with yourself thinking. Its the worst thing in the world, but yet I do it everyday. You either revist the past or think deeply about the future. I think about all the things I have done wrong, what I could possibly do to make things go wrong, all the things I failed in life, all the things I'm positive that I will fail in life to do, and beyond. Like I think about things like this all the time that I don't even no why I even concern myself with such thoughts. I guess that I just want things to get better for myself one day....

Right now even talking to friends seem pointless, I still make an attempt to talk, but most of the time its about pointless shit, that now one will care about it 15mins. What's the point of wasting our breath on pointless shit? I think its just to fill the air with sound instead of silence. I wonder if ppl are afraid of silence. I use to be. But now I actually enjoy it and I enjoy passive sounds, just like my music in the backgound. But I guess ppl can't be serious all the time because it would get boring, maybe that's why we talk about pointless shit. and to probaly break uncomfortable silence....but if its uncomfortable why wouldn't someone just keep the silence, cuz wuldn't talking make it worse. Meh I don't know.

I wish I could get away from all of this...away from my house, my friends, my family, from durham, I dont know, maybe the province, possibly the country. Its just so much of a stress to be here. Just to be living right now is such a fucking stress. I don't know why some ppl might consider sucide, but I know why I would. My reasoning is not knowing why I'm here living any more. In a way of just stopped caring about anything and feel like I'm a robot just working because its what is expected of me. Like since grade six I have been considering why don't I just go die or why am I'm here. Grade Six!!! Till this very fucking day. I still havent answered my quetsion properly, I just use a subsitute answer of "Oh, maybe things will get better one day" And I'm still think I'm waiting for that. Well at leats waiitng for the second coming. I thats what always goes through my head when I think about killing myslef. One day it might get better, but I think I'm lying to myself....I really do. Why do I think things will be better one day...Is it only because I hope for it to be or is it because it really will. I think I hope for it to be but it won't and it will all come back to right now. Me in this chair asking myself why don't I just kill myslef. Then I'll invison myslef 10 years in the future asking myslef why didnt I just kill myself when things werent so out of hand. I don't know...that's just my thoughts runniong off with themselves.

Its been a long fucking day. I dont know whats wrong with me...I have been in the same chair almost all day doing nothing except mainly thinking. Thinking Thinking and Thinking.

You know the people who get on my fucking nerves are: ppl who constanly try and tell you things will be better when you older, Bible people, teachers (the old fucking geezer ones, ho try to explain life to you), guidence counsellors, life counsellors, anyone who messes with my thoughts and opinions....gaah....ohmigod, I'm gonna become like one of those ranging maniacs....ok so I already started to evolve into one. This life is so messed. My gawd if there is a god, he'll be getting a piece of my mind when I'm fucking dead. This life is fucking shit, I hate that people tell me that you'll never go through life alone. That's a plain fucking lie....you go through everything alone. There's no one ever around to share my achievments (the couple of them), my downfalls, heartaches, hate, joys, NOTHING! I go through that shit on my own, yeah there's like the one person to congrat you on whatever the hell it is and thats it from then on I'm alone. I think thats how the rest of my life will be...I don't know...I'm a mess. I guess it would have been better to have sometype of excuse for my ranting ie. I had to much to drink or I'm high or something like that, but no. I'm totally sober and look at the destruction that has come to my blog. Meh fuck this shit, I'm gonna go get a popsicle and take a nap.

FUCK posting.

Perhaps, in retrospect, declaring Jihad was a little hasty. <----Best Post Ever

I'm concerned with our children's world of tomorrow, I have to be honest
with you. Back in my day, if something bothered you, you'd go settle it like
a
man with a pair of nunchucks. Nowadays, no one wants to fight their own
battles.
I was surprised to learn that children have taken to using the word
Jihad as
part of their every day vocabulary, and have incorporated it into
their games
and daily lives. you don't believe me? When Louis told me that
the kids were
playing a new form of Dodgeball, that they had dubbed
"Jihadodgeball", I was
shocked and chagrined. Stupified and mortified.
Curious and interested.The game
starts out normally, like any ordinary game
of dodgeball. Usually, in dodgeball,
the order of elimination is as
follows:

1) Girls.
2) Fat kids.
3) Losers.
4) Everyone
else.
5) The cool kid with the cool shoes and the cool name, like Ryan or
Steven
or Johann.

Well, Louis was playing dodgeball with his
friends in the street, and it
all started normal and fun. The girls were
eliminated fairly quickly, as
expected, and the fat kids were working every
lipid to try to stay alive. Louis,
just failing to make the cut off into the
average kids category, was struggling
to be the last loser eliminated. With
a mighty thump, big Murray Kwok fell to
the ground, his 200 pound 8-year old
frame refusing to continue. Young
Ryan-Steven Chong, age 10, sporting Kobe
Bryant shoes and a Fubu sports suit and
bling, quickly capitalized on the
opportunity and launched the ball at big
Murray's head. Murray let out a
squeal, and quickly raised his arms in front of
his face to protect himself.
It as really quite remarkable timing that the ball
got lodged between
Murray's chins and arms, therefore saving him from
elimination and knocking
Ryan-Steven out of the game much earlier than society
is accustomed too.
Back in my day, whenever the cool kid was eliminated early,
he would have
one of three options: cry, commit a random act of vandalism, or
beat up the
kid who got him out. Ryan-Steven took an entirely new approach to
the
dilemma. His face contorted into a mask of rage as he bellowed "JIHAD!!!"
Big Murray shivered and curled up into a large little ball, all the time
murmuring "No! No!" Both teams quickly amassed around Big Murray and took
turns
pinching him, all the time yelling "Jihad! Jihad!" like wild savages.
I would
have stepped in to help him, but I must say I was caught up in the
moment and
also found myself shouting "Jihad! Jihad!" at the top of my
lungs.Apparently,
Jihad has become the new slang for injustice. I tried
explaining to Louis that
Jihad actually meant Holy War, but he wouldn't
listen. He kept insisting that it
was a playground loophole that allowed him
and his schoolmates to keep the
infidel-children in check. When I asked him
who he considered to be an infidel,
he simply stated girls, fat kids, and
losers. It was hard telling Louis that he
was a loser, but after he perused
the overwhelming evidence that I have been
accumulating over the years, he
finally conceded defeat like a good sport and
accepted his fate. He hasn't
come home from school yet today, but that's the
price he must pay for being
an infidel. I like keeping in touch with juvenile
trends and slang. It's
really the best way to stay young at heart. When they
bring SIKE back, I'll
be ready. Until then, JIHAD!!!

This blog was funny-ass-shit! Ohmigod, I laughed so hard. His link is in the title post. Read more of his posts.

GaaH

Well yeah I'm lacking a bit of motivation to write here. Um I guess I'm having some down time as Blogger would call it. I'm just chillaxing until things get tough again. I'm tired...I'm gonna go take a nap....excuse me.

By the way the picture up there is of us (my friends and I) at lunch enjoy ourselves outside. I think we were a bit rowdy. Wait...we're always like that, meh. Onward with my nap.

Body Sacred

You know what I actually have changed my mind about doing any type extra peircings and and tatooing and body scrafication (even though these are all very cool). I decided that simple was good enough for me and not to do anything to permanent to myself. Like I already go over board with jewerly and clothings, so lets not add to the list.

That's about it just wanted to write that I have changed my mine, and I found simple and basic is pretty enough for me.

Cocaine Cowgirl

Cocaine Cowgirl- Matt Mays and El Torpedo

Yeah well here was my day:

• Woke up from a dream that sadden me
• Almost Finished "Lights On"
• Sheila signed my form (???? WTF just happened???)
• Running For Social Convenor
• Realized I'm deathly scared of Public Speeches
• Pat's bro is going on the trip mentioned below
• That almost everyone is going on the Italy Greece Trip
• Almost burst in to tears walking home..I don't mean tear drop I mean like "tip over and die type of crying"

So now I'm gonna go do that....cry that is... excuse me for a couple of days

Sin City

They don't love you like I love you-Maps, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

So um yeah have to type up that proposal for the newspaper for Mr.Bak and give it to him Monday. Yesturday was nothing special, well at least outside of school. All I did was go to work, eat donuts, get mad at Maria and chill with Erv for a bit. At work I finish one whole U-boat pf products on my own in 2 hours. My manager was like "Great work Amandla!" And me I was like Yeeeeesssss, I'm too cool for this!

Meh anyways my day at school was fun, tiring, but fun. Today Rodolfo and myself we worked on finding the best soundtrack for our Lighting Project. The two Justins' are useless most of the time, but when they want to be they are helpful. So we decided on the music and we just have to import our files into Imovie and do our transitions. We decided on a Sin City look. Its way cool. The funniest pictures from what we took, is the ones were we get all confuse during a photo shooting and my pics cuz Ro said, "Amandla stop looking Chinese" and I was like but I'm not do that and he's like yes you are, then I looked at the pictures and realized yeah it does look like I was trying to be Chinese, it was so sad...But yeah thats what happens when you put on a fake mad face...lol

Anyways got to go to work, Ciao

Sweet Revenge

Yes Sweet Revenge Is Good, but in this particulaer instant I'm, talking about the MCR game. Ohmigod, its the best game ever. Go to the website right now. Funny ass game, but its hard, oh and also play the Helena game. Loving these games, this totally makes up for me not playig my ps2. Seriously click the link (post title) and it will lead you there to web page.

Take Me Out

Okay so I'm back from the Talent Show #2 at ND! It was awesome but those stupid dancers pissed me the hell right off. Could have taken their faces off, hate them so much. Well not all of them, but one particular group that decided to be assholes. I was like twitching next to sal and drew, so I couldn't bite their heads off. Bobbit's little group oif acoustics were amazing. They were awesome, and they got lots of cheers. Andrews (gr10) solo was amazing. I was so proud of him. And the grade 10 band and grade 12 band were awesome. I wish I had a pamphlet of who performed, but I guess it will all be in the yearbook, so no fears.

Being on the Tech Crew was the best thing I could have ever done. I loved learning and helping. People actaully needing your assistance and you being part of a team. Oh, speaking about team, I accidently joined Student Council....whoops. Ok well for like 5mins. They were all gather in the centre of the stage I was like "ooohhh looks like fun!" So I joined them but then the curtains opened, and I was like "Crap" then realized that it was a Student Council thing.....I'm like whoops. And Caroline was like ur not part of Student Council and I look at Isobel and everyone else and whisper "this is for Student Council!?!? Guess I'm part of Student Council for now!" It was so sad and funny. Oh man can't wait till tommorrow to tell the others about my stupidity.

Um thats about it for tonite, besides me bad deja vu, which is gonna fuck up my life. Does anyone else go by their deja vu? Who knows

Deja Vu

Ok I just had major Deja Vu. And Ithink I'm gonna be in major shit, seriously, I'm scared. Whoever told me deja vu shows you are going the right path in life, I don't like them right now. Cuz that deja vu means I'm screwed for the next couple of weeks and today is the begining. *DEAR GAWD* Ok, lets start of my bad deja vu weeks. Your wondering how I know that it will be weeks long....believe me I know. Shit I'm gonna be late. Gotta go

*Talent SHow-Tech CREW*

The Freeze comes first, then drooling

Yes drooling, or something like that. Today I had my mouth (leftside) frozen by Mr. Chan (my dentist) so he could fill in some cavities. Ohmigod, he first used something for it to go numb then he some random needle into my mouth. I couldn't feel the pain but I felt the injection, and i was like stay calm, stay calm. lol. Um then my mouth slowly went into this deep freeze and they warned me not to bite my lip cuz I'll feel the pain later. And I was like Yikes! So after the dentist I went to the mall and got donuts and played DDR. Tried out a new random song; Candy and failed it. It does two steps at the same time, like one up and one left, which I still have issues doing. Then I ate (or tried) to eat my donuts. It was so hard eatin with ur mouth numb. Like I tried chewing, but since I mainly chew to the left I couldn't really tell if I chewed the donut enough to swallow, so I kinda swallowed it in chunks. It was funny and it was funny because of the fact I couldn't feel the stckiness of the donut on my lip or my face so I was all confused on if I missed my mouth. It was such a struggle.

Um, Kyle wasn't at work, but everyone claimed he was supposed to be, so I got confused. No one that I really like worked today, besides Chevonne and Kareem (sometimes he seems like a jerk).

Finally got my Switchfoot CD back. Yessss! And I finally mailed those bloody resumes to the Toronto employers. I hope they get it and I hope they consider my resume. I hope I didn't make any mistakes.

ANyways tommorrow is the talent show, and I'm scared on what's gonna happen with lights and sound, god plz let it go alright.

Really should show Air the pics I developed from Europe and I hope that Sheila gave that picture to Pat. Should ask Air to check for me, cuz I'm not gonna go ask, thats for sure. ANd yes Dylan still on my bad side. He did it to himself....lets see how long this holds out for. Anyways I need to go to bed. I almost missed the bus yeturday rolling out of bed at 7:15am is not good. And I also washed my hair last night (Wed) so lets pray it doesn't do anything werid.

Night

PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KATEY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KYLE

WOOOOOOOOT!!!

War Rages On

Okay, so I'm not too sure if we can actually call it a war, but I don't see why not. So today walk into cafe everyone is there and Dylan is avoiding eye contact, strange? Yes. As I found out later Dylan decided to say something very interesting behind my back, but lucky for me I get info on everything. Having lots of friends and acquaintances is good for me, they let me in on things. Two let me know that it was true. So then I went back to Dylan and asked what did he did he say. But I don't think I believe his answer. He wasn't himself when answering. We have been through a lot of arguments throughout our highschool friendship. We were just became friends again after 3 or so months of not talking, so to do something like this...Doesn't help anything. I'm actually upset. This is a different upset from what is between me and Sheila. Actually I'm not even upset I'm disappointed. I don't want to have a friendship were I have to watch your every move to make sure you're not going against me and playing happy infront of me. In Sheila's case it was just her insensitivity in the friendship making me feel downsized. Gaaa! Whatever gotta go do my rollercoaster project. Later.

Sitting Waiting Wishing

Um yeah, must by Kyle present for his birthday, but he's gonna get it late cuz his birthday is on Thursday and I'm not seeing him till Friay or Staurday (meh, I dont know when he's working). Then for Katie's birthday she's getting them late too, cuz I forgot them at my mommy's house, smart eh! But I dont know what to et Kyle, grrr whatever.

Need to buy David's alblums and Point Blank, ahh they're amazing!!! Whatever...

I'm thinking to myself now that I just Sitting Waiting Wishing, Just like the Jack Johnson song. Not like I'm doing this on purpose, but that's what I have to do in my life, I can't charge fowar and get what I want. Well, fine, sometimes I'm scared to do so. "I can't always be waiting, waiting on you, I can't always always playing your fool" Meh not like I have much choice. The only question I ask myself every day is, "Why doesn't he ever call?" Second question I ask, "Will he ever call?" I'm so sad at points after thinking about him. Like even if it was a happy moment, I still feel sad. I don't want to pester him by calling him, if he wants to talk to me he will...I hope.


Here's Jack for you

Wonder Land

Ok I don't find much point in restatin what happened on Staurday, when Air was there and she basically told the story, lol. But I must explain this one thing to you...

Ok see in this picture I'm pointing at something behind the camera. Ok I'm not insane but Scooby walked by that exact moment as Katie was taking the picture and I was like OHIMGOD, SCOOBY!!! And they all turn around and he's already left from our view, and they all looked at me weridly, but I was like He was there!! Ok that's all for wonderland, besides that Kyle is insane and he was wearing shorts and t-shirt. Shorts that didn't fit him properly, lol.But meh overlooked that all, he has nice blue eyes, to bad he doesnt wear contacts.

Don't you think we look so lovely here!!! LOL!

Um tommorrow I have Tech Crew and today I forgot I did, I was like "ahhh shit" So I'm going to bed early so I can wake up early to remember. I have a lot of shit to do tommorrow. Meh whatever more in another post

Weekenders

My Day: Mediocore, but chillaxed

Meh, had to go to work today. Meh didnt have any customers till about 12 and our store opens at 10, lol. So I got to talk to Ervan and Dasha. Which was fun, then Britt came in then Kyle. The n we played Jack Johnson on the IPod. Ohmigod I love IPods. Ohhh and Michelle bought us doughnuts, I was so happy. I think they know I'm in love with donuts, cause everytime I hear we have them I squeal with joy! Ervan seems to enjoy calling me Amanda or Amandla depending whatever jumps into his head first. Ha! And earlier we were talking about our drinking experiences, which sadly I only live up to having three (need a few more), but we got on to the age. And one of the co-workers who is 28 was telling us how she gets mistaken for a 14 yr old, I laughed at her telling her ppl are stupid cuz they don't I.D. me, and she's like this isnt fair!

You know what's a really good song....Sitting Waiting Wishing by Jack Johnson. I love that song.
Oh and I bought 3 new cds. Well 2 for me one for Mummy. I got her Norah Jones and I got myself Rise Against and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. The clerk was like what I range of music, and I'm like its good to have diversity and laughed.

Um countinued our RBC Canada's Wonderland Tradition, two yrs running strong! With only three orginal crew memeber's but meh its all good. I just remeber Kyle has the photo numbers, must get photo numbers, we got our pictures taken four times. It was great but I lost the first two, so I felt stupid.

Ooooo and there was this awesome band that played at the theatre place. They were fusking awesome. There was one song they did, that was so sad, I'm like "instant-fan"! They were amazing. They totally blow away our schools bands by a mile. So after the show, I was so eager to hear more. And then I decided to go up and ask if they had a website, but I was way nervous. So I might of sound like a stalker, heehee. But yeah they didn't have a website, but they said they'd be playing the Opera House May 28th and I'm like "YESSSSSS" Oh the name of the band was POINT BLANK

And guess what I give up on Bucket Hats, its time for me to move on to another summer hat. But I'm not sure what yet... Meh doesn't matter. I have to go see KunG Fu HustlE. Arrrg. Does anyone want to see it? I have to now recruit someone to see this movie.

And I saw Alisia on Thursday, I said for her to give me her number cuz I had lost it from b4. But it didn't matter cuz I lost it again the same day I got it. So, um yeah, I'm a loser.

I'm almost done the page for my Euotrip with Air. Just got a fix it up a bit. Then I have to write the newspaper proposal and do my Physics lab. I'm not even going to Wonderland with them anymore.

Meh and I'm upset at the fact I didnt get to see David Usher in concert last week. I was loking oward to it so much *sigh*. Meh well I got his music to keep me company. I love the song "Butterfly". Well basically the whole Morning Orbit CD. And I finally saw LWSTD music video, its so awesome!

And on Staurday its the Talent Show, which I get to Tech, sweet eh! Um so I'm gonna look mediocore and hope it runs a-ok. I'll try and take pictures. I hope my week is good, just plain good and now bad parts, maybing I'm asking too much. Whatever, need sleep

PS. I'm just happy that so far it looks like someone does care for me, yeah! (And yes mean besides friends)

BUSY; That's basically my so-called-9-to-5 job, except it lasts from 6am-12am. Wake up, go to school, go to extra curriculars, go to work, sleep, and start cycle again

ANXIETY; totally, take on way to many extras, and try to some how make everyhting work. Outside of school life, is a whole nother drama show on its own. I think they should do I reality tv show on my life. People will feel better about themselves, saying "WOW! Thnk god I'm not her." Meh failing basically everything but Media Arts. I'm gonna try again at Math anyways, prove to ppl that I am smart (when I wanna be). Actually the whle thing that worries me is that life is mainly gonna slip by me and I didn't have a good enough grasp on it.

SADNESS; My life has changed dramatically from last year. Its no ones fault, but I got to wish that things didnt turn out the way they did. Like I still want Pat to be here, but he's not. And I wanna at least know that he's doing ok. It's not like I see him anymore. Even though I wish I did. Sometimes actaully I'm not sure if I want to see him. It's all too confusing. I wish he had talked to me more. For some reason I was always nervous around him and wasn't my annoying self to just talk to him like I did to everyone else.

EMPATHY; For everyone else, especially Air who just totally stress about school. I wish you just take it easy Air and relax. School's not everything, depending on what you are told. ALso for my mom, I think she personally lives in a hell hole. She has crap-ass daughter, whose usually bitchy and a son who doesn't call or visit to often. I wonder what she must think about life at this point in time. I would be pissed the hell off. But it would be funny if she was happy that everything is the way it is.

HAPPINESS; My happiness comes from the good distractions I make for myself, so I don't think too much or about things that make me upset, which is a world of things. So happiness is me not thinking and my friends when I'm not bitchy, lol

ANNOYANCE; My brain. At any point it please it wonders off into things I don't wanna think of, making horrible links between two things. How you ask? I have no fucking clue

GRATITUDE; for friends, even the ones who aren't any more and ex's and whomever else. They at least kept me entertained for a bit, some I wish longer. What more can I say? Oh the random kids I meet, they always make good next-day-stories.

IMPATIENCE; to branch out on my own. To get my G2. To go to Europe again. To have an actual conversation with Pat, more then twice. Newspaper crew to start again. To go to Japan, to play DDR and possibly see my step-grandparents.

FRUSTRATION; My life with the lack of sleep I get. Its un-fucking-natural. When people don't talk to me properly. Miscommunication. Parents when they say I can't go out. Grrr. my current school marks. Sonia must be fired, along with Maria. Pat. Guys in general

CONFUSION; uh, that fact I lose things when I CLEAN my room. What shit is goin on? Why is that even happening. And when random bad things happen to me, man I must have some badass karma.

DESIRE; To get somethig accomplished in life. Like my taveling dreams, probably gt married, but I really dont want kids. To get my laptop back. *I miss it so much* See DU live. Make certain things right. To sleep, to love, to be happy.

HOPE; that things will be okay eventually. I havent found anyone yet whoe life suxs as much as mine, with so many ups and downs, its unbelivable. I really hope I can be happy some day soon, like last year.